Here are some funny quotes I found:

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
Rodney Dangerfield.

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
Ellen DeGeners.

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.”
George Carlin.

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
Paul Merton.

“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.”
Steve Martin.

“What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

“When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.”
Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

“Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.”
James H. Kabbler III.

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
Stephen King.

“A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.”
Ronald Knox.